User:Shard/Humor/Shardism

'''WARNING: The material on this page is for entertainment purposes. It is intended to be satirical, and though it may be based on actual things or events, should not be taken completely seriously.'''

It was on The Wiki that fate and first grade math skillz would congregate into a single field of study known as Shardism.

Book 1: Genesis
It was dark, and the world was without form or life. The Gods crafted the world with their very fingers to form what is now known as Tyria. Where there was stillness, Balthazar created energy. Where there was death, Melandru created life. Where there was darkness, Dwayna created light. Lyssa did nothing.

For six days and six nights, the gods worked their ethereal fingers to their ethereal bones until one day, creatures arrived on Tyria. Lyssa, being the Goddess of wisdom, created a man for some reason. She named him Adam. She then ripped off his chest and I guess it grew into a woman or something, named...umm, Eve.

The gods instructed Adam and Eve that they were not a cheap ripoff of the Holy Bible IRL, and they will live in Utopia for eternity unless they lost faith or disobeyed the gods. Adam one day came unto a great tree filled with a strange fruit. He asked Dwayna, "My Goddess, I am your loyal and faithful creation. I wish to feast on the fruits growing from this tree."

Dwayna descended upon him and said "Adam, I have given you the Garden of Utopia and all its glory, but the only restriction is that you may not eat from the tree." Adam was faithful and did not eat from the tree.

Months into their existence, Adam came to a great lake and basked in its beauty. He then saw a creature swim by. The great serpent engaged Adam and said unto him "Adam, I am Izzy. Are you enjoying the glory of Utopia as the Gods have given you?"

Adam replied with his faith "Yes, Izzy, I am content with the Gods' creation." The serpent smiled, "Dwayna has instructed you not to eat from the tree, has she not?" Adam said "Yes, Izzy, it is what Dwayna has told me."

The serpent replied "Adam, Dwayna has told me that the tree is not forbidden. She was testing your faith, and you have passed.  You may eat from the tree." Adam said unto him "Izzy, I know that you are trustworthy, and I will now eat a fruit from the tree." So he went back to the tree where Eve was sitting. Adam said unto her "Eve, a great serpent named Izzy has said to me, the tree is safe to eat from. However, I do not trust the creature.  It reeked of lies and bad game balance decisions."

Eve, being a bitch, grabbed an apple and gave it to Adam. She said "If a talking serpent said so, it must be ok." Adam, trusting his fellow human, took a bite from the apple. The ground pulsed with power and the Goddess Dwayna descended upon them and said "You have eaten from the tree, you have violated our only rule, so now you and your race shall suffer for eternity. The gods banish you from Utopia."

Adam and Eve, the only members of the human race, shadow stepped outside Utopia. They walked around for awhile until they came to a town that I guess just magically appeared there. There were people there somehow. Don't ask anyone how they got there. Anyway, a bunch of people begat a bunch of other people and thus began the legacy of the Human race. Oh yeah, and I guess other animals magically appeared on Tyria too.

Book 2: The Commandments
For some reason, some humans were enslaving other humans to build really cool looking structures. Some dude names Boses said "That ain't right" and he wanted to do something about it. One night, Boses gathered his people and led them across the great Crystal Desert. They came to a great sea, which we will dub the Blue Sea, but in the Modern Era, will be known as the Bluu Sea instead of the modern Blue Sea, which was at the time called something else, but it got confusing and stuff, so forget about it. Anyway, this sea was wide and deep, with no bridge anywhere in sight. Boses, being a dervish, used Wounding Strike on the sea, which caused it to split in half. His people retreated across the sea until most of them were safe, then Melandru fixed the sea and killed some of Boses' people for laughs.

The enslavers were stuck at the far end of the Blue Sea, while Boses and his people were safely across, free once again. They wandered for an undisclosed amount of years, avoiding persecution, until Boses grew tired. He told his people to live in a valley until his return. He then proceeded up to a mountain.

For days and days, Boses climbed the mountain, until he came to a tree which appeared to be burning, but was not being damaged. He knew that only Lyssa could give trees Frigid Armor, and he knew that this was what he was looking for. He approached the tree. It spoke: "Boses, you have done you and your people well. You have inspired them to have the faith that you do.  Take these stones as proof that Faith is rewarded to good people."

A Surge of Lightning crashed down in front of Boses and crafted two stone tablets inscribed with markings. Boses read them and knew his people would live by them and have faith in the Gods. He descended the mountain, but then remembered he forgot to pick up the tablets, so he climbed back up, picked up the tablets, then started descending the mountain again.

When he returned from the mountain, his people gathered around. They all said "Boses, what have you learned from your journey?" Boses said to the people "I have spoken with the gods, and they have given us rules to prove our faith." He then read them aloud:


 * I am the most ignored God, Lyssa.
 * Thou shalt have no gods other than Dwayna, Grenth, Melandru, Balthazar, and the useless one.
 * Thou shalt not make wrongful use of Signet of Ghostly Might.
 * Thou shalt remember the day material prices dropped and keep strength of honor's damage holy.
 * Thou shalt not kill perfectly balanced skills.
 * Thou shalt not steal builds from others.
 * Thou shalt honor thy builds and thy gear.
 * Thou shalt not commit gimmickry.
 * Thou shalt not witness false bears.
 * Thou shalt not covet Mhenlo's wives.

Book 4: Last Days of Beta
Before people inhabited the world, there were serpents. These serpents forged the world as it is seen to-day. They formed the mountains, the rivers, and the oceans. When these great serpents left the world, men arrived. Men and monsters alike. Ages passed, and the populace of all races increased whilst the civilizations flourished. So many were on the world meant for few, that the gods were angered. So, they sunk a city. Doomsday was nearing quickly. The cheesy World-of-Warcraft graphics were angering Lyssa the most, as she is the most annoying Goddess and the most able to notice annoying things, so she set out to change the world.

It was on the fifteenth day of the sixth month of the first year that Balthazar said "let there be no more stupid fame sticks." And it was so. Shortly after, many people were regurgitating yellow animals instead of pulling long sticks out from...

(this section of the text was lost nearly 1000 years ago).

...and forked lightning was tiring more, party healing was losing power, items' appearances were morphing, nature spirits were diminishing, and most importantly, of all the changes to come, the telepathic ability to report oddities to the gods vanished. Amongst the turmoil, many still drank rich ale from the righteous helmet of the "Under Construction" icon. It is a time of change, a time of pride, a time of little girls blowing people up. Thus began the Golden Age. Thus began the period of the Guild Wars.

For many years, battles raged between clashing groups of fighters. The Gods watched as this happened, usually with popcorn in one hand. Sometimes, warring groups would forge temporary alliances to earn the gods' favor in the Hall of Heroes, a place known by few and reachable by fewer. With this blessing, the gods allowed men to travel into their own domains, to be one step closer to the gods. This angered noobs, but the gods didn't much care for them anyway.

tbc