User talk:Neithan Diniem/blog

January 24, 2011
Well another 6 months have passed. So little has changed... where to begin?

21 now, what a thrill...

I am in my 4th semester of college now. I'm still going to have to remain here for a 5th session due to a miscommunication, but its not too bad. I've pretty much forgotten most that I learned with Photoshop during my second semester, but I have learned a far better skill: 3D Modeling and Animation. I passed my Modeling class with flying colors despite my final project being basically a failure (technical error killed it irreversibly), and have moved on into the Animation class. Once all this is over I'll be moving to Tempe, AZ and will attend UAT college to get my Bachelor's in Art, specializing in 3D Modeling and Animation. Out of all the things in my life I have tried, this seems to be the one and only thing I can do in abandon, the only thing I feel like I can and should do for the rest of my foreseeable future.

My job situation changed with a hello to a new employer and a farewell to the old one, though after today it's future is in jeopardy. Time will tell, though. I have one month to fix things at work, otherwise I'm out on the street again. I cant loose this job, if I do I'm finished. I need an income source, though I have been relatively slack in saving money, I cant get by without it. My parents can no longer support me as well as themselves, not in this economy. I can only hope that with my move to Arizona, I'll relieve that strain I have placed on them. They've done so much, its the least I can do.

It seems that all my problems are falling down to a single problem. While at work I do my job very well with little complaint, but Im constantly forgetting to get my schedule, resulting in my current probation. Art-wise I just have no drive really to make any. I KNOW I can do things, make fairly good art, but I cant seem to do anything to make myself get better. Same goes for my story I have in the works. I revise and revise, lengthening and deepening the story, but it is still pale in comparison to what I want it to be. Still single, unhappily, and I cant seem to even go out socially to meet anyone, let alone find a relationship. Time, and I guess fear... holds me back.

Its just all so frustrating. Can't seem to get ahead, better myself, and I instead just keep sliding down the ladder towards the void. I feel detached... or as close to that as I can describe it... from my life, like I'm in the wrong place. A piece that's in the wrong puzzle. Lives spin round me, all striving ahead, but I'm standing in the rush, lost, and I don't understand why. I live with my head in the clouds, my fatal flaw, dreaming of a life where I can be that perfect idea of "self." I can be anything I want and do anything I desire there, and yet its always over the moment life wakes me with a kick to the teeth. I don't know why I live this way, but nothing I've done so far to change myself has worked, and I've run out of ideas.

So I'm stuck here. My little vortex both isolating the world from me and me from the world.

June 1, 2010
Wow it has been a while since I updated my blog. Well, I got through my first year of college, found how to complete the rest of my associates degree in another year, and more. I can now use Photoshop well, however I dont have it yet >_<. Made my first GW mod: Cape Clasp, and I plan to make more eventually. Ive also made a few feedback suggestions now also, hoping that some of mine and some of the ones I support get looked at ^^. Getting pretty bored here at home however, little work plus nothing to do gets to ya...

October 8, 2009
Well, I've pretty much stopped playing Guild Wars entirely, not sure if Ill return or not. Been busy playing other games, work, and college. Still unhappily single, and no matter how much I try, nothing helps. Still feeling quite abandoned by her, even though I still talk to her often. She acts like nothing happened, and even tries to help me find a girl. Out of all the people in the world... Why does she have to care in that particular way? Cant she see that every single time she brings that subject up a knife stabs me in the heart again? I'm surprised I'm even alive after all the scars shes left in me. Don't feel like who I was anymore, like I'm unconsciously hiding myself from everything that would hurt me again. Best way to put it is I'm wearing a mask, everyone sees it, but no one tries to find out why, how I really feel, or tries to get me to be myself again. Family basically ignores me anymore, at most I say 4 or 5 sentences to them and that's it for the day. It just stinks, and I'm sick of it. Fates played me like a drum, letting me begin to make hopes for the future, then tears them away from me and leaves me empty again. If fate were a physical being, I'd do everything I could to kill him/her. I think myself and many others would be more then justified.

August 17, 2009
Started college today, it was pretty good. My first class is a computer literacy class, and the instructor is hilarious. Hes always popping jokes off in class like a stand up comedian. His will be my favorite class. That one starts at 9:30 on Mondays and Wednesdays. After that I have a college introductory course immediately after the previous one. Its not too bad, the teacher is fairly lenient and it will be interesting to say the least. I also have a friend from high school in there with me. This class is on Mondays and Wednesdays too. Later on on Monday night I take English Comp 1. That ones going to be a pain cause I hate English class and the 2 girls that were such witches to me during high school are there, one of them the key benefactor to my ex girlfriend breaking up with me. Its just going to be swell in there... . My last class is on Thursday and is college algebra. That ones going to be fun >_<.

On another note I'm turning 20 in a little more then a week. Cant spend that birthday with the person I wish I could, but at least I have a few friends I can go see a movie or something with.

Lastly I'm still down about losing the woman I love (guess I should be saying loved now...). She told me she wants to stay friends, but she hasn't called me nor returned my own calls to her. I don't know anymore, its just a pain. She came to me and started the relationship, then she changed it to something more then just holding hands and a small kiss now and then. Then she says there's problems in our relationship, but wont talk to me so I can figure out first off what they are, and second how to fix them. Then she leaves me for another man, blaming it on "were not the same type of people" when no matter how I look at it I see were exactly the same. Now this.

Meh, Im just really confused about that anymore.

July 18, 2009
If home is where the heart is, then I must be homeless. Everything in my life has been shaken and torn, and my heart has been broken. The pieces scattered like fine sand amidst a raging storm...

Part of a journal page I wrote, needed a place to vent my emotions on. Cant place the rest of it here, its too personal. Its been very hard, losing the woman I love to someone else. Every time I'm alone I can think of nothing else but her. My mind is being assailed with so many things that I fear that I've almost lost everything that makes me who I am. Nothing I used to enjoy in life interests me anymore, and all of my friends that I thought I had from high school barely acknowledge my existence. I feel like an abandoned child, alone and afraid of everything in the world. I feel like a dead shell of what I once was, and that frightens me more then anything I can imagine.

July 11, 2009
Hey all, Made a blog spot here, so I have a place to speak my mind. Well I haven't been playing Guild Wars lately, due to me just being tired of trying to play and my computer crashing. Ive grown interested in other things for now, but I will probably go back once I get a new computer or once Guild Wars 2 arrives. Been going through a tough time at home, my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years left me about 2 weeks ago, and it hit me very hard. Its getting easier, but my dreams are my dread, for all I can think of when the night brings the mind to wander is of her and of all the times we shared. The dreams are fading, however, so I suppose that means my wounds are healing. Ill continue to check the Wiki daily, and Ill help anyone I can that needs it. Later.