User talk:Pivo/Pivo Ironspear

Alright homie, let me help you out as I said I would in-game. YOUR story will be bolded, and my commentary will be in normal text.

'''Born to Ascalonian parents. He was a born leader and he’s parents saw he’s potential immediately. He’s family was wealthy enough to send him to Istan and learn the art of the Paragon. At the age of 10 he started he’s training in the Sunspear Academy. At the age of 12 he was kicked from the Academy because of bad behaviour. '''

There's already a problem with the second sentance. People cannot see potential in infants. A small rewording can be done, "They BELIEVED he would grow up to be great", or something of that nature. I'm not going to write this for you so reword on how you see fit. So they were rich, they sent him off to an academy. So far, decent. But then you skip time periods too quickly. From 10 to 12 in the matter of a sentance. I recommend writing another paragraph or two on what exactly he was training in that time period. And finally, what did he do to get kicked out? You leave the reader with NO information on what he did and especially, "WHY".

'''He’s true story starts when he was travelling in Kourna with he’s foster family. They were attacked by a corsairs raid and he’s family was killed. He was taken and recruited by force to the corsair’s ranks. He started to show he’s full potential and was quickly promoted and reached the highest rank in he’s band. He made horrible things during this time. He killed many. He made children’s orphans and women’s widows. He didn’t spare any life and forgot about what is good and what is bad. He only thought about gaining personal fame. He didn’t care much about money and he was giving it away to he’s crew members. During he’s time in the band he engaged to one of his corsairs. He loved her so much. She was the most beautiful from all the women’s of Elona. She had dark Hair and blue eyes. She was a Paragon exactly like him. But the life of the corsairs was very dangerous. She was assassinated by a member of their crew. He worked for the Kournan authorities. He had failed to kill Pivo too. But he took from him the most expensive for him. '''

First, you keep saying "he's" for "his", but acceptable as English is your second language. Second, who's his foster family? You randomly introduce them with no explanation whatsoever. Also, WHY did corsairs randomly recruit the child (if he was a child at this point, you don't specify). And then it goes into many fragmented, short sentances that you could blend together and give a better description. For example; "In this time he proved his aforementioned potential and the corsairs were heavily impressed. He rose through their ranks very quickly after showing his ruthlessness by helping eradicate and raid, orphaning children and murdering husbands." Something along those lines. Otherwise, decent plot developement. A Kournan spy is viable, even though during the Nightfall storyline they actually HIRED corsairs... But they were never complete allies. The last sentance of this section doesn't make any sense either.

'''During one of he’s raids he was attacked by a Sunspear unit led by he’s former teacher, Kormir. He was able to hold off against the attack. But in the moment he saw the face of Kormir. He laid down he’s weapon and surrendered. '''

This is believable. A man fights valiantly untill he saw someone he could not fight against. Fair.

He was taken to a trail in Istan. With the help of he’s teacher, Kormir he was found guilty but allowed to enter the Sunspear ranks. He’s life was spared and he promised to be loyal for the Order of the Sunspears.

Every night in he’s dream’s he is dreaming about the people he killed. About the kids he slaughtered in cold blood. But he knows that one day, one day he will finish paying for he’s sins. 

The only complaint I have is, simply SEEING Kormir would not make a man completely reverse their ways. You need to make a better reason for his change in heart. I recommend mentioning him remembering his lover, and he doesn't want that to happen again. Or something. The story is fragmented and bad, but not terribly loremaking. I hope you'll fix in the future. And remember, you don't need to fix it all immediately. Edit one part, then come back later when your mind is fresh! I do that with my Guild page all the time.--  anguard  16:23, 18 April 2009 (UTC)


 * Your second version is still fragmented and lacks explanation all the way through. You're also making the mistake of mixing game mechanics ("first to get bounty points") with a history. When you're roleplaying, things in game mechanics like the bounties NPC's give, levels, EXP, doesn't factor in. Only the character's personal life experience should be a factor and how powerful they are.
 * And you still avoided explaining on how "bad" they became. "humiliated their teacher" isn't good enough. Elaboration is needed. And a lot of it.
 * I know you thought this one was a lot better but frankly, you just did more of the same. The points I have made before still stand.-- [[Image:User_Vanguard_VanguardLogo.png|19px]] anguard  21:18, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * It looks like you have a decent final draft, story-wise. All you need to do now is refine some of the english and grammar and it's a good backstory.-- [[Image:User_Vanguard_VanguardLogo.png|19px]] anguard  17:56, 20 April 2009 (UTC)