User:Shard/Humor/IzzysDay

'''WARNING: The material on this page is for entertainment purposes. It is intended to be satirical, and though it may be based on actual things or events, should not be taken completely seriously.'''

I got an idea to write this as I was on Izzy's talk page today. I thought to myself, "What if arenanet employees could use GW skills in their work?"

Izzy's Day
I woke up this morning to the intense screeching of my Moa Bird alarm clock. I still had the Migraine from last night's drinking contest at the office. I got out of bed, put on my Warrior Vabbian armor and headed towards the door. Then I realized there was an important meeting happening today, so I decided to dress up into Warrior Obsidian armor. I hopped on my Siege Turtle and Rushed to work.

When I got there, the door was locked, so I used Ursan Force to crash through it. First I walked to my desk and watched some observer matches, the most notable one was when Channeling Monks [Rnub] was dominating halls. That Shard is a 1337 HaxX0rz warrior. After I obs'd a few matches and played some RA, I went to the important meeting. The door was locked, so I blasted the door with Wurm Siege.

Jeff started the meeting with an Inspirational Speech, followed by our ritual Song of Concentration to get into the "meeting mood." The first order of business was to talk about how Hall of Monuments stuff will be carried to GW2.

Regina stood up and conveyed some suggestions from the players. "Lots of players want their titles to give their characters a passive effect. For example, people with cartography titles could have faster movement in PvE, and people with Protector titles get a cookie.  People who got ripped off because the Rainbow Phoenix isn't a prestige pet can redeem 1 gold."

When it was my turn to get up, to be honest, I was half-asleep. I used Deep Freeze on the meeting, went to the cafeteria, and bought some Creme Brulees and a Sugary Blue Drink. Those woke me up. I went back to the meeting, but there was a problem - Deep Freeze lasts a really freaking long time, so I had to do something, FAST. I pulled out my Kepkhet's Refuge and started HSR Remove Hexing everyone on our team. When they came out of their deep freeze, I started my segment of the meeting.

"It seems that there are a few things to fix during the next skill balance. Firstly, I think the 99% of people who think scythes are broken are right, and I want to take them out of the game."

Andrew, previously the PvP coordinator, interrupted me. "Izzy, you can't just take a weapon out of the game. What will happen to existing pve dervishes?  What will happen to existing Scythes in people's inventories?"

So I came up with a brilliant idea:

"It's simple Andrew. We just use Disarm on every dervish in the game."

"Umm... there are like 4 million..."

"Andrew, I think I know what Disarm does. I'm not a Charr."

So at the end of my balance suggestions, Gaile suddenly appears in the room for no apparent reason other than to make this story interesting and says "Signet of Ghostly Might kills things in one hit again. People are using it in GvG."

My pupils dilated and my heart started to race. I couldn't let people abuse that! I Devourer Sieged the door down and Dashed through the office hallways, Bull's Striking all the employees in my path. Regina was in the hallway and started bodyblocking me. Suddenly I remembered I know Heart of Shadow, so I shadow stepped past her and ran to my desk. When I got to my desk, my computer was gone! Who could do such a thing!?

I picked up my Ventrilophone and called the Lost and Found department.

"Arenanet Lost and Found department, which item did you accidently sell to a merchant?"

"Hey, it's Izzy. My computer's not on my desk, have you seen it anywhere?"

"Umm...nope, no computers here."

I didn't know what to do. I did what everyone else does when they lose something important: I hit caps lock and yelled at my co workers.

"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY COMPUTER? IT'S THE ONE WITH THE STUFF AND BALANCE STUFF ON IT!"

All I got was blank stares. I kept yelling at everyone, but got very tired all of a sudden. Someone has spawned a Roaring Winds without me noticing and my yelling was making me twice as exhausted.

I thought to myself... "if I were a thief, where would I take a computer?" Yes! The GIFT SHOP!

The gift shop is always filled with interesting little trinkets, most of which are actual in game items. We have minipet action figures, skill pins, vigor runes, Chaos Axes, and a lot of Alcohol. My eye wandered around the room in search f a computer resembling mine, but with no luck. Frustrated, I Catapult Sieged the door down and ran back up to the offices.

When I arrived, I was greeted by a strange looking man wearing a dark cape and a hood over his head. He approached me and said he might be able to help me locate my computer. When I asked his name, he simply turned away. He said

"Izzy, we need to find your computer, and we need to fix Signet of Ghostly Might. I can tell you why a skill is strong, but you're the one that has to find a fix."

I asked him "How do I know I can trust you." The man then used Mistrust on me and I passed out.

When I came to, I found myself in the security monitoring room, and just as I awoke, one of the screens in front of me was looking right at my computer! I asked the guard where that room was. He said

"That's Wizards of the Coast's vault."

I replied "Arenanet has a security camera in WotC's vault?"

The guard then used Mistrust on me and I passed out.

I awoke again, probably an hour later. My computer was at Wizards HQ in Renton, and I'm in some little town nobody has ever heard of.
 * (Humble apologies to anyone who lives in the made up town of Bellevue)

I rushed over to Renton and WotC's headquarters. Luckily, since I live in fantasy made up town, I can make it exist anywhere I want, so the drive to Renton only took ten minutes. I arrived at the Wizards building, but the door would not open, so I used Kournan Siege on it. When I entered, I was astonished at how similar it was to Anet HQ. They had posters and cutouts and all kinds of cool stuff in the hallways. Desks were about ten times messier here than the desks at anet, but your desk would be messy too if you actually did your job. A man approached me wheeling a cart with a cloth over it. He stopped in front of me and removed the cloth, revealing a brain in a jar.

It did not speak, but as if it was psychic, I could tell what it wanted me to know. "Welcome to Wizards HQ. Enjoy your stay, Izzy.  I believe what you're looking for is in the vault.  You can find it in the basement.  Just go through one of the elevator doors."

I got a little lost but eventually made my way to the elevator area, which was right next to the entrance to the building. I pressed the down button and waited. I heard a *ding* and walked through the pair of doors that opened. The elevator wasn't in there! I started falling, fast. I was so afraid for my life, I started thinking about my family, my accomplishments, when suddenly, I stop falling. I just floated there for a few seconds, then the elevator doors in front of me open, revealing the basement.

The only thing on my mind was how freaking awesome Wizards' magic elevators are. I walked a good distance into the basement until I came to a desk with a guard. I asked him where the vault was.

"Ahh, Cartwright, correct? Gleemax told me that you were coming.  We actually staged the theft of your computer so you could come to WotC HQ.  I've been given orders not to give you your computer back until you have visited both the Dungeons and Dragons floor and the Magic the Gathering floor."

I pleaded with him, but to no avail. I guess the only thing to do was to check out the DnD and MtG sections of WotC. I went back to the elevator and stepped inside. I floated there for a minute while trying to figure out how to go up. After several attempts, I gave up, walked back, and asked the guard. "It's easy, you just fall up."

I was never good in physics class. I decided to take the stairs back up.

I arrived at the Magic: the Gathering floor three hours later. Among the first things I saw was a hanging display case containing an original beta sheet. Those fools are so bad at game balance. I would never have made Black Lotus if I worked here.

I was greeted by a man named Mark, who apparently is the boss or something. (I asked around, but nobody seemed to know exactly what he does). He said I must see how things are done at WotC before they're released to the public. He took me to one of the playtest rooms.

"Izzy, this is one of the playtest rooms. We pay these guys to find the most abusable possible ways to play these cards, and they tell us so we can prevent that abusability.  They also make sure every combination is fun and effective to play."

I asked "What do you do when you release something to the public that you find to later be too imbalanced?"

"We restrict it to one per deck. Kind of like the Elite Skill idea Arenanet stole from us."

Next, he took me to the meeting room. They were already talking about the specifics of the next set that's coming out. Someone said "Do we really want blue to have a burn spell?" to which someone replied "Probably not, it goes against the color pie."

I asked Mark "What's the color pie?"

"The color pie is what makes each color in MtG different For example, red has the burns, green has big creatures, black has kill power, blue has bounces, and white has all the combat oriented cards.  We differentiate each color in order to limit what a player can do with his deck, to make sure he can't have easy access to everything.  Also, it gives you a choice of what to play.  MtG wouldn't be fun if every color did the same thing.  Everyone would play white 'cause dey playa hataz."

"Hmmm, I see. What will you show me now?"

Mark replied, "Izzy, this is all the MtG floor needed you to see. The DnD floor is two floors down."

I walked to the elevator, this time knowing how they work. WHen the door opened, I walked in and fell...down to the basement. I left the elevator, turned a corner, and started up the staircase.

I arrived at the Dungeons and Dragons floor three hours later. (cliffhanger)