User talk:Pivo/Konan Su

Commentary
As before Pivo, going to bold YOUR part and put my commentary below it.

'''Konan was born in cruel times. His mother was a canthan prostitute which had no interest in him. She left him in some garbage can without any clothes, food and any family and love. ''' This whole sentance could use some rewording. Saying that the mother had no interested in him sounds a bit awkward. Secondly, it's a bit blunt. You're a bit too eager and quick to explain his predicament and you are trying too hard to pull the reader's sympathy. Take your time.

'''Two days have passed until some Shop owner from around the corner went to take his garbage, and then he saw the little baby. The baby wasn’t crying or shouting, all his face was horribly scratched and only one eye was working properly. The shop owner was about fifty when he found Konan. He had two daughters and a wife. His name was Lou Sha, The older daughter was Li and she was in her mid twenty’s, Shin, the second daughter was six years old and her birthday was in the same day, the same day they found Konan. ''' First, you don't need to give an exact time frame. Instead of "two days passes", you could say "Shortly thereafter" or "not long afterwards", something like that. The downside is readers might be thinking minutes or hours later. Secondly, the similar name Lo Sha is a bit taken, I reccommend renaming this character. Finally, explaining their birthdays... At least right now, is a bit irrelevant. We're supposed to be reading about Konan and his family should only get a short mention, and you're giving us birthdays. Not needed.

'''Lina, the mother took care of Konan exactly as she did with her daughters. Konan was filled with love and until the age of 12 his life was perfect. He started to go to school in Kaineng Center. The best school in the country, he was accepted for a scholarship and was Excellent in his studies. Konan was most interested in learning History. He was excited to learn about all the emperors and the Luxon Kurzick conflict. ''' First: Kaineng, or Cantha, is not a "country". It's an Empire. Second, I highly doubt the slums of Kaineng have the "best school"... That's what Shing Jea Monastery is for, provided Konan is Canthan, which is never specified. (It sounds like an Elonian or even Tyrian name to me). There were no scholarships. As far as -we- no, education was mostly free to those willing to learn. After those fallacies, the rest of the paragraph was quite well done. With some minor sentance structure flaws but overall, it paints a good picture on what your character liked to do.

'''In one of his History classes they started reading about Shiro Tagachi. That cursed assassin which shattered Cantha. He started asking questions and wanted to know how a simple bodyguard can murder a great Emperor, no one gave him the answers he wanted to hear. ''' What did he want to hear? The history is rather clear-cut and there's not really any wiggle room for rumors. The only person with a scewed perception of that history is Shiro himself.

'''Konan spotted some strange clients in the shop, he was listening quietly and those men belonged to some sort of gang, The Jade Brotherhood. They demanded protection money and Lou Sha without any choice accepted and gave them part of his money.'''  The Jade Brotherhood wouldn't have been "clients", they would have been harassing thugs in this particular scenario. There's also some slight redudancy in the last sentance, could be reworded, "They demanded protection money and Lou Sha, reluctantly conceded." Well, those are some bigger words than you need to use but, find yourself a thesaurus ^_^

'''Konan was 15 that day, Konan and Shin were celebrating their birthdays at the same day, because no one had a clue about the real birthday of Konan. That birthday was the last time they celebrate it together. In a moment of silence two Am Fah bandits rushed in from the backdoor and killed the two daughters swiftly, and then they grabbed the wife and locked her in a room. They grabbed Lou Sha and said with a clear voice, all of this happened because you paid those damn Jade, you should pay for your mistakes. And with one swift move one bandit stabbed him in the chest. Meanwhile Konan was hiding under the table. Before Lou Sha left this world he looked directly into the eyes of Konan and moved his lips: '''

“Revenge” 

This is entirely too random. You give no rhyme or reason, no prvokation. The Jade Brotherhood are practically the Mob, businessman, and have little reason to harass villagers or students. Once agian, as far as -we- know, they just attack people on the streets. Another note is you seem to have dialogue in here, and you need to format the paragraph correctly. Not talking about "Revenge," but earlier in the section.

'''The bandits didn’t left before they raped Lina. Konan saw everything with his one proper eye. But he acted the same way he acted as a baby. He didn’t cry and didn’t shout. Konan swore to revenge for his family. ''' Before this section, rape wasn't even mentioned. The reader just knows the mother was locked in a room, you never mentioned that men were inside with her.

You also don't explain why Konan seems so emotionless with not crying or shouting, even as an infant. That could make the reader believe Konan is somewhat inhuman and doesn't deserve sympathy.

''The bandits took everything, except a pair of steel daggers. Those daggers are the only thing left for Konan from his family and he was going to master them and make his revenge with those daggers. ''' ...and WHY, of all things, would gang members leave WEAPONS, lying about, for a civilian to find, take, and use against them?

'''Konan managed to get some money from his father savings. It was enough to move and start learning the Arts of the Assassins in the famous and prestigious Shing Jea Monastery. After his arrival he finally realized why he was so interested with Shiro Tagachi. He was born to be an Assassin, just like Shiro. ''' Assassins are a fay cry from Shiro. Shiro was mostly a bodyguard, a swordsman. Assassins take on official contracts. Not to mention if people knew Konan was following in Shiro's footsteps, he'd be murdered immediately.

Overall; your story took a turn for the better in the middle but then took a nose dive as you introduced a mess load of logical errors, to which I can only think came about with lack of research. Use the wiki, Pivo, especially on articles like the Jade Brotherhood, Shing Jea Monastery, Kaineng Center, and Shiro Tagachi.

That is all.--  anguard  19:58, 24 April 2009 (UTC)