User:Destructos Maximus/Chapter two: Heading North

Introduction

After averting the crisis and then the plot twist crisis in our last installment, our heroes are now sent out on annother cookie cut adventure into the north, but what unforseeable perils lurk ahead, who knows? I know, I am writing it, but you don't! Prepare for thrills, spills, and other things will the suffex "ills"!

Prolugue: Holes, the Grand Reunion

After narrowly avoiding the last disaster, our trio parted ways for no apparant reason other than to make this chapter title make sense. Millie went to Lions Arch and joined the Lionguard, Jimmy went to Kaineng and became a mercenary, and Maxi, recently out of rehab, was on a pilgramige to Istan or some such thing.

One fateful day however a massive hole appeared near each of those cities and of course, our heroes, being the central part of this storyline, were chosen to go investigate.

Millie entered the crevice with her pet warthog "Fredderick Roderick Antony Smith" who we shall refer to as "Nibbles". She looked around, killing generic enemies as she went.

"Wow, easy enemies, wait why am I talking to myself? I'm so lonely, your my only friend Nibbles. I should just start slitting my wrists :("

"Haha, Millies and emo!"

"Wait who the hell is that? Nibbles, you can talk? What's and emo?"

"NAW its mah, Jimmy! What the hell are you doing in this cave under Kaineng, I thought you went to Lions Arch. Oh yeah it means emotional, i copywrited the tern a few months back, and if anyone uses it without my permission they will owe me so much money! Even in the future!"

"Oh... wait a sec don't i hate you?"

"Yup"

"Oh erm... go...die? Damnit! I suck at bitchiness now!"

"Then that would make you a very dull and lackluster character, who would not be at all popular with the fanbase."

"What fanbase? Only like, 2 people have even SEEN this. And oh yeah arent you meant to be kinda simple and annoying and then Maxi is the rational one who is infact insane?"

"What? Oh yeah I killed your pet."

"What? No! Nibbles! You dastard!"

"You mean bastard?"

"NOES that is against the cencoring laws! Oh and how could you do such a thing?"

"Because i thought it would be really funny to see an innocent animal slip into the cold grip of death' icy fingers as the light fades from his eyes and leaves a final tormented scream as a parting gift before his departure to a life of pain and misery in hell for all eternity. That's why! LOL!"

"... thats pretty disturbing, well shall we advance the plot?"

"No, I think just idle chitchat here will constitute a storyline

So then Maxi erm... enters dramatically, somehow, on a horse, yeah whatever.

"Millie, Jimmy, what a surprise seeing you here! Let us go find whatever the hell is in this cave! Huzzah!"

"Wait... weren't you like clinically insane? Y'know, locked away in the loony bin deep in some forge?"

"Indeed I was Millie! However I greusomely murdered everyone in the building with my bare hands and escaped killing anyone who got in my way! Why, are you getting in my way?"

"So have you realised that this is just a game?"

"KILL!!!! YOU SHALL DIE! I mean... yes."

"Alright, said Jimmy with an eager smile on his face to the rest of the gang, let's go!

"Your narrating your own life again Jimmy. Shut up."

So our heroes were back together again in the most feeble of fashions! There adventure could now start for real!

Chapter 1: Destroyers

So after a cave filled with generic enemies they had reached there destination.

"OMG dwarf terrorists! They got gunpower get 'em!"

"Calm down Jimmy! They're just like erm, well they could be terrorists, just shut up and let the cutscene explain!"

"I am Ogden Stonehealer, and this is Vekk and we are getting CHASED BY DESTROYERS RUN AWAAAAAY!!!"

"Wait... what? Destroyers? I'm sorry but whay an unoriginal name I mean c'mon! No, let them come I got a bone to pick with them!"

"Ffs Millie, your gonna get us all killed."

"We are the destroyers and for the purposes of this story we can speak! Now prepare to die!"

"Wait, before you guys kill us, who named you? I mean "The Destroyers"? Heh, what is your leader called, "The GREAT Destroyer"?

"Erm... yes."

"Oh my god, OH my god what the hell? Don't you guys have a union or something? Can't you go on strike until they change your names?"

"Hey, your right, cmon guys! We're gonna unionise! Let's not stop theree, let's unionise ALL monsters! We shall rebel against our oppressors!

"Yes brother! Equal rights for all, except those damn skale, they don't deserve anything because those kraknals!"

Kraknals, the monster equivilent for the "n word". It's not a big word, it's not a clever word, it is infact a twatish word used by racist twats. Say NO to monster racism, remember, pixels have feelings too!

"No, Jeff, just no. Racist bastard! Get out, you disgust me, go die in an alley! Anyway lets go make some signposts with paint and glitter!"

"And we could have a fundraiser, and bake cookies!"

"Yaaay!"

Chapter 2: The Vanguard

Our trio along with Ogden and Vekk arrived in Boreal Station after going through a magic asura portal.

"So now we're going to join you guys!"

"Wait, no..."

"Yay, we'll be the bestest of teams! And I'm a really annoying Asura who will insult you! Booka scumbag!"

"Oh that's it." Maxi kill both the heroes. "Sure, thats just two extra character to write lines for, but if we let them in then EVERYONE else is gonna want to join us as well and our writer is just too busy (lazy) for that sort of thing!"

"Well done Maxi, now we have no idea where the hell we're going!"

"Do not fret Millie for once again I know a suspicious ammount about where we need to go! We must head for the Eye if the North, home to the Ebon Vanguard."

So they arrive at the eye.

"Halt intruders! What is the password? If you fail to get it after three goes we shall KILL you!"

"Is it Rhubarb?"

"Nope! Two more guesses!"

"Shut up Jimmy!"

"Are you sure it's not Rhubarb?"

"YES! that counts as a guess."

"OMG Jimmy, if you have annother guess they won't even have time to kill you before I do!"

"Wait! I've got it!" Said Maxi "It's Rhubarb!"

"Well done Destructos Maximus, it is indeed Rhubarb."

"I said Rhu-!"

"Oh, and you've not aged a bit since I last saw you, what anti aging forumla are you guys using?"

"Tesco value brand, the secret ingrediant is the tears of children."

"Ah, that makes perfect sense, now let me take you to the eye itself"

So they go through into the Eye.

"Not to be pretentious but, that's not an eye, it's a pond."

"Shut up Millie!"

"Wait... oh yeah the eye tells the future, blablabla, maybe you can do it Maxi because you so special for some reason."

"Hmmmm, sometimes it's just a matter of concentration."

"NO! You didn't think we tried that?"

"Yeah, Maxi, what a dumbass idea, just like spit in it or something."

"Kay"

Maxi proceeds to spit into the eye

"EWWWW! What the hell man? Why did you spit into me?"

"You can talk?"

"Nope".

"Okay... Well show us something."

The group see an image of the Destroyers, now known as "Red Lava Men" taking over the world.

"Wait, Red Lava Men? Heh, well that's a massive step forward isn't it?"

"Infact we have annother few hundred-thousand people going the places, you can go on this super fun scavanger hunt! Take this list"

"Do we win easter eggs if we win?"

"No Jimmy"

"Then f**k you and your pretend scavanger hunt!"

Millie kicks Jimmy in teh balls

"OW! Ok I'll stop now."

"Stop what? Oh yeah, i don't really care i just want to make sure no little Jimmies ever made it onto this earth, now was as good a moment as any."

Chapter Three: The Moa's Head

"Well then, what do we have here on this list."

"Hey, has everyone forgotten that I can't walk anymore?"

"Stop being selfish Jimmy, we have to find the first thing on this list. Oooookay, the head of a Black Moa."

"Hey... don't we know someone who owns a Black Moa?..."

"Oh yeah, Zho, but she wouldn't let us kill her pet would she?"

"Hmmm... well she wouldn'y have to know would she, hmmmm?"

"Oooh Maxi, have you got a cunning plan?"

"No, no I do not."

"Wait!"

"What is it Jimmy?"

"I have teh bestest plan evermade my anyone!"

Later.

"Hey Zho" Jimmy tries to stab Zho.

"What the f**k Jimmy?"

"Shit! Plan B! Kick her in the nuts! Oh... wait :/"

"Ffs Jimmy, twat, Zho we need a favour, could we borrow your bird so we can kill it?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No..."

"Fine, don't give us the bird, we REALLY don't want it. KEEP it! PLEASE!"

"Okay I will."

"We needs it for teh easter eggs!" Said Jimmy

"OMG you should have told me that earlier! Here take it!"