User:Ryuu Desu/Ryuu The Poet/Why

Why

Your very existence was my meaning of life. Your words, so calm, gave each day purpose

I need you.

That reliance that you allowed me to place, I couldn’t have asked for anything more,

Maybe I should’ve let you hold me back.

Day after day, I spent precious time with you - it kept me content - I absolutely adored you.

Now each day I merely have the memory.

I still recall those first moments I set eyes upon you, so young, innocent, and naive,

Now I can’t stop myself from helplessly looking at you; staring isn’t supposed to hurt.

The first words shared with you clearly indicated what I knew was true - I loved you.

Why’d you have to shrug off love?

Months went by as I tried to get you to feel the same as I,

It was so obvious from the start, the bond we had, yet in my fear, I was reluctant to act on assumptions.

Sometimes wish I never had acted at all.

I recall, so vividly, those days we spent together;

In classes, thanks to my efforts of rearranging my school timetable,

Such an effort only became a burden in the end.

Walking home together, due to the convenient closeness of your home,

Now, I walk home alone.

Within your home, which I had eventually convinced you to allow me into,

Now, I know you’d never invite me back.

In the winter, playing in the snow so carelessly,

Such childish pleasures seem lost to me now.

And, of course, that fateful day when I finally mustered up all of my courage, nerve, and spirit to ask you that fateful question;

The question I now sometimes wish was never asked.

“Do you love me?”

I never really was knowledgeable of responses that could come from such a question; I hadn’t asked it before myself.

Yours was nothing short of misleading.

You didn’t give me any confirmation, yet also gave nothing that suggested denial.

Dodging the question, as you had always done with such difficult things.

I assumed the worst, and was was so afraid afterwards, vowing to never come near you again.

You tried so hard to comfort me, after my outburst of apologies for such a question;

You told me that it was fine,

That you didn’t mind at all.

You said that I didn’t have to eat elsewhere at lunch the following day,

Said that I was more than welcome to spend my day with you, as I usually did.

Days - each seeming like an eternity – passed by, until, eventually,

You decided to grant me the fateful answer of my question.

Now, I sometimes wish that answer was never provided.

It was to my absolute bliss to discover that my efforts hadn’t gone to waste;

To discover that my question hadn’t gone unfounded,

To discover that my assumptions were truthful,

To discover that I wasn’t the only one.

Why is it that today I feel as if I’ve been the only one from the beginning?

Why is it that today I think that all my assumptions were worth nothing?

Why it is that today I believe my question was so groundless?

Why did you have to do this to me?

We shared the love of each other for many months to follow,

I told you every day - and perhaps too often - that I loved you.

Today all of it was meaningless to you;

Why are you so heartless?

Does it really mean nothing?

Within that time, I was able to develop a completely different perspective on life;

Sometimes, I really wish I hadn’t.

I realized the importance of having someone to care for,

Why does the only person I want to care for, have to be you?

The importance of them returning the favour.

Why won’t you ever return that favour again?

Without this, life will always be empty to me.

Without you, it all seems so pointless,

Without you, I wonder why I even bother,

Without you, every day passes by like the last,

Like nothing.

It didn’t last as I expected;

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you,

I wanted to do everything I could to help you succeed,

I wanted to give you my life.

In return, all I wanted,

Was you.

You couldn’t even do that, though.

Was it really so much to ask?

Under the pressure of your parents, you gave in and ended everything.

I still remember how you told me about “killing feelings” for someone, about how you could do it;

such a terrible, dreadful ability - One should never have to do such things.

I told you that I’d wait until you were permitted, that I’d wait for you, no matter how long it took.

I wanted you, and only you,

What did two years of waiting matter?

A count started - a tally of days to wait.

Ultimately, this tally became my own demise, didn’t it?

Only 162 days left, less than a quarter of what I had then.

Yet, I no longer have anything to anxiously wait for, as I once did.

As days of waiting grew to months, your feelings for me obviously began to fade;

Despite all the time I spent, and tried to spend with you during that wait,

Despite the fact that tried my best to give you the affection you deserved,

Despite the fact that I tried to give you the dedication that I thought you’d want.

You seemed so shocked by my devotion, by the thought that I had really taken love seriously.

What’s so wrong about that?

On Valentine’s Day I had intended to at least spend some time with you, if nothing else,

But you denied me that.

Regardless, I felt so guilty for letting you down, in my mind.

I saw you in class on Monday, after the weekend,

You seemed so... Depressed, alone, lost.

What is it that happened then?

What happened to my Boss?

Where have you taken her?

Why did she have to go?

Instead of doing my work that day, I composed a letter for you, in hopes of raising your spirits,

That’s really when you lost it, isn’t it? When you broke.

What’s so frightening about a love letter?

You loved me,

Didn’t you?

In return, you began to compose excuses to avoid me.

I recall offering to help - if not to practically do your homework - for a class that I had

convinced you to take.

You agreed, but then later created plans with a friend, and told me

you were busy.

Of all the things to do. I had due work too, y’know?

Near the end of March you finally ended our “relationship”.

Of course, you claimed that I was never your boyfriend, and you never were in a

relationship with me. So, what was it all to you, then?

I never came to fully understand why; it never really was explained all too well.

Today, the question continues to haunt my mind,

Why?

Why did you have to go?

You know you’re killing me, don’t you?

Why do I still need you?

You never needed me, did you?

Why do I still love you?

You never loved me, did you?

Why am I still waiting?

You won’t come back, will you?

Why do I still want to give you everything?

You always found that odd about me, didn’t you?

Why can’t I stop this?

You won’t ever understand me, will you?

Why?