User:Wendy Black/jokes

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• April 2012
• March 2013

Baron Velspa's Sense of Humor

Quite often if you happen across the Baron in pre-searing Ascalon he will tell jokes or you will hear one sided arguments with the in game characters. Such as this conversation he had with Lieutenant Langmar about turning in his vanguard quest. Some of his jokes are rather simple;

A dwarf walks into a bar and steps into a pile of poop. As he wipes off his boot...

A large warrior walks in and steps in the same pile of poop.

The dwarf looks and says, "Hey I just did that..." The warrior punches him in the face.

Others require knowledge of certain events in the game.

I met this girl from Kamadan, I don't think it will work between us.

Her name is Komir and she has a real god complex.

The trick to telling a joke quickly is to type each line in a chat window nobody can hear such as Team Chat. Then head to town, hit enter, toggle up through the joke, and hit enter on the first line. Just hit enter and down arrow for the next line. Don't tell it too fast or the anti-spam will kick. I admit some of the Baron's joke are far from original, but some he made up on his own.
New Jokes

Farmer Hamnet hired a boy to hall a load of grain for Duke Barradin.

Only ten minutes after the boy left, he came running back without the ox and cart.

The boy explained that the cart had overturned and all the grain was on the ground.

Hamnet told the boy to go home and they would clean it up tomorrow.

The boy insisted, "Duke Barradin will not like it."

Farmer Hamnet laughed, "Duke Barradin will just have to wait and get his grain tomorrow!"

The boy sighed, "The Duke won't have to wait, since he is stuck under it."

I was in a pub last week when an Asuran came busting through the front door yelling, "Vast the Impaler is a coming! Run for your lives!".

Suddenly the bar is cleared out as people headed out the nearest exits.

I remained and finished my drink. For the lack of a bartender, I helped myself to another bottle.

Without warning, an enormous Norn 9 foot tall, 400 pounds, riding a dolyak comes up and tears the doors off the pub as he enters.

The giant grabbed my bottle and drank the whole bottle in one shot. Then he smashed the bottle and ate the glass.

Standing there behind the bar in awe I asked, "Would you like another... Sir?"

The Norn growled and replied "Nah! I got to get out of here! Haven't you heard that Vast the Impaler is coming?"

On the top of hills stands an Charr Warlord and his army. Upon the opposite hill climbs a Dwarf.

He starts insulting the army until the Warlord shouts, "Kill the Dwarf!"

Immediately, several Charr charge the Dwarf. He dodges behind the hill and the Charr follow him.

Sounds of battle and several screams later, the Dwarf climbs back and yells "Did ya missed me!?" at the Charr.

The Warlord looks at his elite bodyguard and tells them, "I want that Dwarf for breakfast!".

The elite Charr unsheathe their swords and charge.

The Dwarf dodges behind the hill and the Charr follow him. Sounds of battle and several screams later...

the Dwarf climbs back and shouts, "You Charr are the worst fighters I met!".

The Warlord, maddened by rage, orders his full army, "Get me that Dwarf's head on a pike!".

The horde of Charr charges and follows the Dwarf behind the hill.

Sounds of battle and several screams later, a lonely Charr crawls up the hill.

The surviving Charr covered in blood and dying chokes out his last words.

"It's a trap! There's another Dwarf behind that hill!"

I was walking through Ashford and saw a sign that read, "Great Wall Bar -- All Drinks Only 2 gold."

I went in and the bartender said, "What'll it be?"

I asked for a Dwarven Ale thinking he would refuse me I place 2 gold on the bar.

He scooped up my gold and placed a Dwarven Ale in front of me. I just couldn't believe it!

I drank up and ordered another. Again, an excellent Dwarven Ale for only 2 gold.

I had to ask, "Hey, this ale is great! How can you afford to sell them for only a 2 gold?"

The bartender responded, "Oh, I was once an adventurer, all my life I wanted to own a bar.

Then last year, while up in the Shiverpeaks, I found an old dragon's horde."

I was amazed. "With over 250 million in platinum, you can serve a lot of cheap drinks!"

I drank up, "Wow! What a story!" Then I noticed a group of dwarves at the end of the bar.

Not a single one had a drink. So I asked the bartender, "What's up with them?"

The bartender replied, "Oh, they're waiting for happy hour when the drinks are half-price!"

There was an asuran and a mesmer standing in Lion's Arch at the fountain.

The mesmer said he could jump higher than the city fountain.

The asuran wagered 100 platinum that it was a scientific impossibility.

So the mesmer jumped only a few feet in the air and said, "Ok. Pay up!"

The asuran replied, "That wasn't higher than the fountain.".

The mesmer said, "Sure it was, the fountain can't jump at all!".

A party came upon a magic mirror. Legend told the mirror would grant a wish, if the person

could honestly tell the mirror of his greatest virtue. A false statement or bragging would make

the person disappear in a puff of smoke.

The asuran approached the mirror and stated, "My greatest virtue is my superior intellect!"

Poof! Smoke and the asuran was no more.

The norn approached the mirror, "My greatest virtue is my vast strength like no other!"

Poof! Smoke and the norn was no more.

The dwarf approached the mirror, "My greatest virtue is..." Poof! Smoke and the dwarf was no more.

A Corsair enters a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asked, "Wow! Where did you get him?"

The parrot says, "Elona! There are thousands of them there.".

Today I read from the diary of a shipwrecked sailor;

Day 1: Alone. Doing well. Mentally sound. Thanking the Gods I survived!

Day 2: Island is desolate. I pray for rescue. Found a crab on the beach.

Day 3: Married crab.

Day 4: Ate my wife.

Farmer Dirk got a letter from his kid who joined the academy. I will read it.

Dear Father: I'm well. Hope you are, too. Tell my brothers the academy beats working for Farmer Hamnet.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 o'clock!

Before breakfast we smooth our cot and polish our weapons.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to build.

Breakfast is heavy on the trimmings like fruit, juice, bread, eggs.

We go on marches, which the sergeant says are to harden us,

but we only march about the same as when I was carrying water from the well back home.

Tell my lazy brothers I keep getting archery medals, I don't know why?

The target is as big as a rabbit's head and it don't move.

We also have hand-to-hand combat training where we wrestle each other.

I'm real careful because the others seem to break easy!

Tell my brothers to hurry and join the academy before everybody gets onto this deal!

Your loving daughter, Mary.