User:Aliceandsven/Alternate Nicholas/Dialogue

Alternate Nicholas' dialogue changes each week depending on the item he's looking for. The current one is:

Nicholas is busy getting drunk this week!

Notice from A&S: Computer troubles and other IRL distractions may prevent me from keeping up with my weekly schedule.

Previous dialogue

2009

Alternate Nicholas' official dialogues began on July 27th 2009. The dialogues preceding that week are from Pyre Fierceshot and a random psychiatrist.

13 July 2009, Pyre Fierceshot threatening Nick:

"Just you wait... 250 years from now, when your great-great-grandsteaks are strolling along on their merry comfortable way, my people will reap the vengeance you're about to plant. Every Charr harmed over your petty sentiments for a stone wall will be one finger ripped off the hands of your descendants... No, perhaps we'll rip the nail off first, THEN the finger! See how you like that, Nicholas the Meatsack!"

July 2009, psychiatric evaluation:

"It is evident that Nicholas seems to be suffering from a type of post-trauma disorders. The loss of his beloved Mary and his entire home has lead his brain on a course of trying to equalize the world with his own situation. He feels subconsciously that the rest of the world deserves loss. Consciously he thinks he is just asking other people to do favors for him, but this isn't the case. He is comforting himself with the slaughtering of life, it comforts him to "balance" out the equation of his loss."

27 July 2009 in Twin Serpent Lakes (for 1 Herring):

"Hello good chaps do you have some Herring??"

03 August 2009 in Zehlon Reach (for 1 Bowl of Skalefin Soup):

"Sorry I'm late, you know how those storms can get out on the sea. We actually don't want to eat any soup; it's just an ingredient for a bomb I'm constructing that will be used to destroy the Consulate and Great Hall. No one will suspect the innocent looking traveler collecting some soup. And once again the same people who helped save the world will be destroying it, one Council Elder or Avacara at a time. The plan is toss the bombs set on 5 minute timers at the buildings, then ride to the docks on Yakkington and hijack one of the merchant ships. I'll sail to Kaineng and they won't suspect a thing because it's a merchant ship. This plan, If I may say, is fool-proof. Yakkington and I have deliberated on every single detail and made sure it's absolutely perfect. However if I don't make it out of Istan alive, tell my father I'm sorry and that this had to be done. And please be decent and don't sabotage the soup with bad ingredients. I WAS going to have a spoon or two, I don't want to ride out on the ocean in glory/die with a knot in my stomach."

10 August 2009 (one day only) in Arbor Bay (for 3 Krait Skins), and then in Wilderness of Bahdza (for 2 Behemoth Hides) for the rest of the week:

"I have reason to believe we are living in a computer simulated reality... I was wandering through Arbor Bay on Monday when suddenly I got very dizzy. I started speaking uncontrollably, my vision started deteriorating and then the next thing I know, I'm waking up in middle of Vabbi - but the time hadn't changed! And there were a bunch of Behemoths tearing apart Yakkington's saddlebags! How in the name of sweet Dwayna did I end up in Vabbi? I think all this plotting is driving me insane. Or was it something you put in the soup??"

17 August 2009 in Pongmei Valley (for 2 Rot Wallow Tusks):

"The observant hero may wonder why I'm asking people to go kill more wallows, since I could just use the tusks from the one Yakkington killed! I'll give you a hint: It has nothing to do with destroying very important people."

24 August 2009 in Tahnnakai Temple (for 3 Jade Bracelets):

"My latest diabolical plot failed, but it would've worked if it weren't for those meddling Jade Brotherhood thugs! Don't worry though, I'm quickly cooking up another wonderfully diabolical plot of exponentially more fool-proof proportions. I'm being held in Tahnakai Temple, but I'm still allowed visitors. You know what to do, heroes. Let's show those Jade Brotherhood idiots what it means to tempt the wrath of the wanderer! No one can stop me now!"

31 August 2009 in Alcazia Tangle (for 2 Quetzal Crests):

"So I've escaped to the most remote place I could think of. However, most unfortunately, it seems this menace Vael has somehow tracked me down over the months since my plot to set termites loose at the Eye of the North. I am not surprised at his heinous attempt to disable Yakkington. I played along quite casually, reading between his every word and siphoning the truth from the lies. Apparently he's negotiating a deal with the Tengu to assemble a line of hidden gaurds around Tangle perimeters. I'm going to make him a mask that more resembles the enemy Tengu tribes of other regions and spray it with a trace amount of foreign pheromones, but it's not going to fool him for long. I need to time this just right so I can slip through in the chaos and get out of this jungle."

7 September 2009 in Tangle Root (for 3 Jungle Troll Tusks):

"Please welcome Crispin to my Diabolical Terror Team. The weapons he fashions out of those tusks can cut through anything. In a few days, we plan on raiding the Shining Blade camps near the Bloodstone Caves in order to get ourselves some crystals to further improve our weapons. Hopefully by then Yakkington will be over his hang-up."

14 September in Kessex Peak (for 2 Forest Minotaur Horns):

"Yes, hello! Another week rolls by, another ingenious idea. I suppose I needn't explain my latest siege weaponry design. Firstly, we're going to go decimate miserable necromancers and plunder their spell books and scrolls for later use, and then it's off to the Krytan Royal Palace. After gloriously ramming down the front gate, we're raiding the treasury then high tailing it to the Shiverpeaks, and Salma is coming with us. We can't carry all that platinum by ourselves so we'll get the rest in ransom. I will be the world's greatest villain, you'd better believe it. I'm gonna go all Flameseeker-style, and have the clueless heroes help me on the way to dark glory."

21 September in Anvil Rock (for 2 Frostfire Fangs):

"I think two would be enough... for a lethal dose of poison. I'm going to poison Salma in her sleep, take the ransom, and send her back! And while the chaos of her death in the middle of Kryta erupts, my squad will storm in from all sides, capture the royal palace, and usurp the throne. Crispin and I are hard at work fletching crytal arrows. Between now and Salma's death, I'll have just enough time to hire some corsairs with a part of the ransom to do the rest. In the mean time, I've had a chat with Dwayna. She's quite pleased that the powers have shifted, and is glad her disciples will have to actually work for what they want instead of abusing high health points and maintained enchantments! Kormir also says hello but is feeling scorned by the way everyone claims she was useless."

In the same week, another criminal mastermind posing as Nick appeared:

"Ah, another week and another wonderful plan...This time, however, I've no need of any expensive crafters! Yes, these fangs, dripping with their wonderful bounty of poison, will do quite nicely for what I'm planning...I am indeed quite handy with herbs, yes, but not in the way one might think. I must continue my research on these dwarves, however, as their bodies handle poison much differently than the average human. Once I've created that antidote, I'll begin the second stage of my plan: I'll secretly dose that thrice-damned King Jalis with this deadly poison, then swoop in and offer a mystical antidote! The trust I gain from "protecting" the good king will open many doors for me, and the money I earn from this should take me far in realizing my greater plans... Dance, my unwitting puppets...DANCE FOR ME!"

Nick's response:

"My word, what luck is this? Have I stumbled upon another criminal mastermind? And one so close by? Let's join forces, we'll rule over Kryta and the Shiverpeaks together. I must add, clever plan with the antidote. I doubt the dwarves will see it coming. Let me know if you need any help!"

28 September in Old Ascalon (for 3 Scorched Lodestones):

"Hello again... I supposed it doesn't take much thought for you to figure our why I'm here this week. The criminal mastermind that I teamed up with turned out to be a traitor. Just as I was about to feed Salma a nice poisoned juniberry shortcake, he double-kidnapped her and is now off doing some other dubious plan... WITHOUT ME. My team-mates were disheartened and deserted me. So now I'm up by one poisonous shortcake and a wagon-load of crystal weapons, down by one magnificent plan to wreak havoc. With any luck I might be able to recreate the titan magic of the Searing, but I seriously doubt it. I'm just staying low and biding my time this week. Hopefully no one has posted my location on a map somewhere."

5 October in Diviner's Ascent (for 1 Topaz Crest):

"I once knew a man who came often to these sands and made a habit of killing as many drakes as he could. Questioning him, he'd always play it off as stockpiling their hides and teeth to be sold on exotic markets for some gold. I have a feeling there was something else going on, however. I've heard rumors of drakes that relinquish magnificent weapons upon death. In fact there seems to be a few tales of similarity for many creatures around the world. Certain ones have mini-rifts in their stomach and they burp up wonderful artifacts when they croke. That's how the stories go, anyway... Do I believe them? Of course, I talk to yakks, what did you expect? So whoever brings me the finest Fiery Dragon Sword with the least amount of gastric drake-gut juice on it will be rewarded with a fabulous pet rock!"

12 October in Crystal Overlook (for 1 Luminous Stone):

"If ever there was a loathsome creature in this world, it is the mandragor. I've wandered all the way out here into the middle of no where, hoping to find some peace to collect my thoughts and devise my next greatest plan, and what do I find? Screeching, terrible screeching! The most unsettling noise I've ever heard! And amidst all these restless apparitions, it's a regular fright fest. Do me a favor and get rid of these things, and to kill two mandragors with one stone, pry any Luminous Stones off of their hides and bring them back to me for Yakkington. He is quite a spoiled Dolyak."

19 October in Turai's Procession (for 1 Water Djinn Essence):

"Well, enough creeping around putrid deserts and sleeping with ghosts... Yes, I awoke one morning to find the phantom of a long-deceased concubine by my side, but that's one tale you won't be hearing... Ahem! I've found my jolly old self, with an added pinch of optimism. If I can't hit it big time, I'll go with the flow and start out small. Haha, get it? Go with the flow? I've planted some sulfurous mandragor seeds around this well, you see. Poisonous, yes! Go ahead, be a good hero and give them those Djinn Essences. The rootlings will release their nasty toxins into the water, the essence will draw it all in, and they'll have themselves a well full of nice, deadly water. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a particularly pretty phantom to phantasize about."

26 October in Minister Cho's Estate (explorable area) (for 5 Forgotten Trinket Boxes):

"Ahhh... Halloween. I always make a point to visit Kaineng on Halloween. A good whiff of death and decay truly reminds me why I've aspired to become a criminal mastermind. Now, what is this glorious holiday without a few good tricks? Let's make a deal; I find some of the nastiest critter-crawlers this city has to offer, you find the boxes to put them in! The good Professor and I will be sharing a Hallow's Eve together - listening to the city's wails of dismay and despair while studying Canthan Necromancy! Isn't it wonderful? Oh, and give the Mad King a hello for me."

2 November in Mourning Veil Falls (for 5 Tempered Glass Vials):

"Karma has caught up to me it seems, friends. Wandering through the dark stretches of the Echovald, my foot fell upon a stray Rot Wallow Tusk - just as I was about to sit down and enjoy a nice sack full of stolen Halloween treats, too. So now I'm feeling worse than a large mass of dolyak droppings. Fetch me some vials; I suppose this is an opportune time to see if the water in these parts is truly as miraculous as it's said to be. And once I recover, I bet I'll make a nice pile of platinum selling vials of Morning Veil 'miracle water' around the world!"

9 November in Maishang Hills (for 1 Guardian Moss):

"Attention all minions! Here is your latest directive. Initiate the genocide of all Island Guardians in Luxon territory. I've gotten a fair bid on several crates of healing water from the Echovald, but one of these lumbering monstrosities trampled half of my load while the Professor and I were off pilfering jade from the mines. I don't have the time to back-track to get more. Do the world and myself a favor and get rid of these beasts, and fetch from them as much moss as possible!"

16 November in Wajjun Bazaar (for 3 Plague Idols)

*You encounter Professor Yakkington, standing down the street from the Jade Brotherhood stronghold and looking terribly worrisome. He shakes, and a small scrap of parchment falls out from his messy coat of fur.*

"Dear Minions,

I've been cornered, hardly enough time to write. If you're reading this, I'm captured. Jade Brotherhood. They're after my walking stick. Get Plague Idols. Hide Yakkington. Get in and get me out!

Sincerely, Nicholas"

23 November in Ice Floe (for 3 Mursaat Tokens):

"I know what you're thinking. Mursaat tokens? What kind of mess has he gotten into this time? Well, fear not. There are no messes. Except my own sinister, diabolical messes that I assure you will one day go according to my plans. I believe Yakkington may have some strange connection to the Mursaat or their powers. Why would a dolyak like these dreadful purple coins otherwise? I would not be suprised, as he is quite exceptional as a high-speed bull dozing tank of furry destruction, among other things, more so than any other dolyak I've met (and I've met plenty of dolyaks in my time). Since we're in these parts, I would love to get my hands on some Mursaat Tokens to further test them on Yakkington, and see just why he loves them so much. Perhaps there is a latent hidden power in him, waiting to be tapped! I'll have you go do that for me, while I rest here and look inconspicuous. I'd do it myself but I'm not in the mood for disappearing into other dimensions."

30 November in Snake Dance (for 2 Frosted Griffon Wings):

"I would love to stop and chat, but at the moment I'm quite dedicated to my physical fitness. I've been running a marathon starting from Borlis Pass, and I'm on my way to Droknar's Forge. The doctor says a good jog every morning will help keep both my mind and body healthy. A diabolical mastermind like myself can't let his body slip away into frailty. You snooze, you loose!"

7 December in Deldrimor Bowl (for 3 Shiverpeak Manes):

"So they thought it would be funny to laugh and ridicule my speed, and call me two-legs. Well, I'll tell you what. I have a mountain side full of centaurs that need culling, friends. Do that for me. And don't forget to collect their manes which will be sold to beardless dwarves (at extremely high prices, of course). Dwarves are a profitable demographic!"

14 December, Nicholas was absent from his usual diabolical schemes. He had an appointment with his psychiatrist.

21 December in The Undercity (for 3 Ancient Kappa Shells):

"My friend Yileng, the imperial chef, is a fool. I'll get him those shells, sure (or rather, you'll be getting them), but it will be the last meal he ever makes! When the Canthan authorities find that his food has been served with lethal amounts of poison, that will be it for him... either that or they'll suspect that it's me. But it will be fun nevertheless (administering secret dosages of poison into the food supply of the innocent populous is always fun)! Now get to work! And make absolutely sure you kill plenty of those slimy, shelled freaks, because I just generally harbor malicious feelings towards everything. Every single week! Haha!"

28 December in Barbarous Shore (for 1 Gold Doubloon)

"With your faithful and unthinking assistance, the Professor and I will have saved up enough Corsair currency to get ourselves an extended cruise on one of their finest ships. I've always wanted a ship like this... So I'm going to go ahead and take it! A little bit of my apothecarial magic into their food and drink storage, and Yakkington will have no problem throwing those scurvy ridden oafs out into the sea. By the time they figure out their ship isn't coming back, I'll be half way around the world and on to my next nefarious plot. All I need now is a name for the ship... and an apple, an apple would be good right about now."

2010

4 January 2010 in The Mirror of Lyss (for 1 Roaring Ether Heart):

"Nothing warms my heart like a warm heart. And while I'd much prefer the dripping, bloody heart of a lunatic psycho-analyst in the palm of my hand, I'll have to settle for something not so dramatic (lest these Vabbian defender types spot me and decide to make themselves useful for once).

Roaring Ethers are among my most hated things ever. What's worse for a diabolical genocide-artist than victims who can resurrect each other? Honestly, this world is full of strange things; beasts who've learned to use signet rings, aliens, rifts in space/time, overgrown kittens with doomsday magic... psychiatry.

Anyway, now I'm just babbling. I don't want to waste your time. The Professor and I would greatly appreciate it if you could fetch us a couple hearts from these roaring bothers. And I would feel a little bit better if you ensure each one suffers a slow, painful death."

11 January 2010 in The Alkali Pan (for 1 Ruby Djinn Essence):

"This is our greatest plan yet, dear members of my Diabolical crew. With the help of my recent acquaintance Zinn and most importantly your help, we're going to set loose a wave of fiery destruction throughout all of Tyria. Zinn and I are quite like minded and as it turns out, it was a matter of luck and fate that we met. He had a plan, I had the means!

He did not explain everything in detail, but here's the gist of it. We stock pile the essence of Ruby Djinns, high-energy stuff. Zinn will use the essence as a component for a special breed of "magical micro golems". Using Asuran technology, we can easily transfer materials and finished products back and forth. I'll hand them out to you as you bring more essence. Unleash them where you go and watch the world burn!

Careful though, a few unfortunate workers under Zinn have spontaneously combusted due to improper or careless handling of the constructs."

18 January 2010 in Cursed Lands (for 3 Decayed Orr Emblems):

"I am in need of some air fresheners for the cabins of our recently commandeered ship, The Lazy Dolyak. Yakkington and I would prefer the stench of undeath. I think some Decayed Orr Emblems will do the trick! On another note, I woke yesterday morning and noticed a scrap of parchment sticking out of Yakkington's fur. I was thrilled to see it contained the questions that my Diabolical Crew wished to have answered. As I promised, I'll be giving a special audience to deliver those answers!"

25 January 2010 in Majesty's Rest (for 2 Thorny Carapaces):

"Tidying up this mess of a Dolyak is going to be quite a task. I suppose now is an opportune time to round you all up and answer those questions! Gather round!"

1 February 2010 in Reed Bog (for 1 Maguuma Spider Web):

"The truth is, he wasn't pleased with the way I did up his hair, so he decided to play a spiteful little game of hide-and-seek."

8 February 2010 in Riven Earth (for 5 Saurian Bones):

"Zinn and I are going to create a weapon, a magnificent weapon! A blade that can cut through any material and pass through any magical barrier, but that's only the start of it. With this blade I'm going to happily slay all of the chauvinistic trash-talking dung-waffles who bested me at Polymock, and then steal all of their pieces. The sword will reap the souls from the blood it spills and become more and more powerful, until at last it becomes a force without peer... Well, that's the plan at least."

15 February 2010 in Rhea's Crater (for 3 Bone Charms):

"Pay close attention to the Outcasts, and one will find they're not simply mad or insane. They coordinate amongst each other and act with intent. There must be something at work down there, however deep they went, that instilled some sort of instruction into their twisted minds. I'm going to figure it out, and when I do, I'm going to use it to my advantage and claim the Outcasts as my personal army! Unless of course it turns out to be some sort of nasty, demonic entity. My demon slaying is a bit rusty."

22 February 2010 in Ferndale (for 3 Amber Chunks)

"Some of you may be familiar with something called Gods' Vengeance. It is a weapon, though it exists as little more than a plan at the moment. However, rumors rustle to and fro of it's mysterious power. It is something to be feared, from what I hear.

Well, I just thought I'd share that fun fact with you. I'm actually in the market for some fine Kurzick attire this week."

01 March 2010 in Holdings of Chokhin (collecting 1 Pillaged Goods per gift):

"There is an ancient Vabbian proverb among bandits and thieves that I particularly like, and it goes something like this - Precious goods are easier to steal when they've already been stolen, especially if they were stolen by barely intelligent giants and extra-especially if you're an old man unfit to raid a guarded library but you happen to have a horde of helpers to help you steal stolen goods from barely intelligent giants. Are we clear?"

08 March 2010 in Ruptured Heart (collecting 1 Demonic Relic per gift):

"Hello there, how are- Oh, that's quite a nice title you've got there. You're with the Lightbringers, are you? What am I doing here? Well, I don't know, in fact I'm not even here. You've never in your life seen me in a place like this, remember? I'm not the suspicious traveler you're looking for."

15 March 2010 in The Arid Sea (collecting 1 Massive Jawbone per gift):

"What am I doing out here? Well, you've got me there. I guess I can't hide it. A bright light in the sky, I swear it was Dwayna, she came down to me and said, 'Nick, Nicholas old buddy, old pal...' I can't remember the rest. It sure is hot out here. I'm feeling a little funny, a little dizzy. I think I hear Dwayna calling me. The tea's ready. I have to go, I really can't stay. She gets an awful temper if you let the tea get cold. Tell her I'm out in the orchard, alright? I'm sitting out in the orchard, watching the apples fall. Huh, what do I want? What do I need this week? I need jawbones, sixty-one of them!"

22 March 2010 in Witman's Folly (collecting 3 Intricate Grawl Necklaces per gift):

"Hello there! Yakkington had a brilliant idea this morning, as we landed at Port Sledge, for our next massive genocidal rampage; Grawls! The Professor, in his worldly wisdom, claims that Grawl meat tastes absolutely magnificent. There are enough Grawl here to keep us well fed for weeks, and I may even decide to open up a small Grawl Kabob vendor for a short while. Profits, my friends, capitalize off of every situation, that's the key to success! Though I'm a bit concerned, Yakkington seems incredibly eager to go kill those hairy creatures. I don't know if he's just hungry, or if it's something else."

29 March 2010 in Lornar's Pass, in the Temple of Grenth (collecting 1 Phantom Residue per gift):

"A message came to me recently from Gwen, delivered by a Norn of the Raven. Like the foolish girl she is, she expects me to be the same kind and gentle man I was long ago. I gave that raven a few less-than gentle words and sent it off. I have more important business than whatever those stupid children need. All they can do for me now is remind me of what I'm trying to forget!

Dhuum has recently been re-imprisoned by a band of heroes like yourself. They contained him in the Hall of Judgments, but they can't contain his power. Eve and I have created a scroll that may be able to capture some of that power that is seeping forth if only I can get close enough to the Hall. Now is the perfect opportunity, before he breaks free again and terrorizes the Underworld.

I'm in no way capable of fighting through the horrors down there, but with some stealth I may be able to sneak through. Fetch me Phantom Residue... and get a few sugary drinks for the professor, hurry up!"

5 April 2010 in North Kryta Province (collecting 3 Feathered Caromi Scalps per gift):

"All of Kryta will be poked by pokey pillows!"

12 April 2010 in Shadow's Passage (collecting 3 Jadeite Shards per gift):

"Shiro had a wonderful idea! Exploding minions are better than regular minions, aren't they? No, I'm not asking you to throw yourself into a horde of enemies and self-destruct, not yet anyway.

Zinn wrote me, and mentioned he's in the mood for some nefarious collaborating. By the tone of his letter I suspect he may be a bit cross. Though the Asura have a knack for being angry and irritable, don't they?

Oh well, I figured that with Zinn's help, we could study some Afflicted corpses and determine just what makes their biomass so volatile. I've got a dozen ideas running through my mind and they all involve big, pretty explosions. With all of the Afflicted roaming around this city, we could be sitting on a boon of destruction!

Also of note, I've been working on my foreign languages. Bonsoir, mon ami! Voulez vous du cafe? Yaks enrages! Au revoir!"

19 April 2010 in Mount Qinkai (collecting 3 Naga Skins per gift):

"Hello. I was on my way to Fort Aspenwood to let out a little pent up frustration. No, I'm don't fight for the Luxons, I just kill everyone there, or rather I ram into them on Yakkington. However, I'm behind on my to-slaughter-for-no-logical-reason list. I know it's not very exciting but I want you to go kill a whole lot of Nagas. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go swat down a couple of bothersome flies."

26 April 2010 in Melandru's Hope (collecting 3 Dredge Incisors per gift)>:

"Give a man a fish, feed him for one night. Teach a man to fashion meat-hooks out of bones, and now he's got a nice way of storing those pesky corpses in a secret cabin of his ship so they don't show up in tomorrow's post."

03 May 2010 in Unwaking Waters (explorable area) (collecting 1 Azure Crest per gift):

"My last plot to disperse explosive objects throughout the population didn't work very well. People didn't find a miniature Gwen doll with glowing red eyes as cute as I had hoped. Maybe they'd prefer Yakkington dolls... Yakkington dolls with laser beams in their eyes!!

Oh and before you leave, I have a strange feeling. Something is changed in the air. Can you feel it? Wherever I go the world seems energized with something mysterious. I suspect Lyssa may be working Her divine hands on our world once more, shifting energies and granting new boons. Or maybe She's been having a couple of bad-hair-weeks. Keep your eyes peeled and your mind open, friend!"

10 May 2010 in Issnur Isles (collecting 1 Drake Kabob per gift):

*As you approach, you find Nicholas passed out on the ground. Yakkington shuffles over to you, shakes about, and a scrap of paper falls out of his magnificent mess of unkempt fur. It reads...

"Will kidnap princesses and/or assassinate despots for food."

17 May 2010 in The Floodplain of Mahnkelon (collecting 6 Dwarven Ales per gift):

*Once again, you find Nicholas incapacitated, lying flat on his back and looking up at the sky through the bottom of a glass ale mug*

♫ Zinn and Blimm... they do what they musht... becaush... they can... for the goods of all of ush, except the ones who be dead... but there's no use cryin' over every earfquake... uhh... ya just keep on tryin' til you run outta kegs... and the Golem getsh done, and you kill everyone, except the ones who be already dead... ♫

*Yakkington, quite embarrassed, shambles over and drops a scrap of parchment out of his trusty fur coat*

"Hello, don't think you've been getting off easy lately. You'll be working double time next week... triple time, even! Now leave me be, I have some grief and misery to wash away."

24 May 2010 in the Garden of Seborhin (collectiong 2 Roaring Ether Claws per gift):

"Dolyaks are the finest creatures in all of Tyria and should not be recklessly slaughtered in a wave of wanton carnage. Roaring Ethers are not Dolyaks. Thusly, Roaring Ethers are not the finest creatures in all of Tyria and it's OK if they are recklessly slaughtered in a wave of wanton carnage every now and then. And if you do not accept the first supposition you may also be squashed in the ensuing wave of wanton carnage. This philosophy stuff is pretty easy!

The Professor and I are going to head over to the Holdings of Chokhin, after we wash up, to bury ourselves in some classic Elonian literature. I expect at least five dozens of these suckers dead by the time we come back. A hero of your stature should be able to do better, even! Ha ha, good luck!"

31 May 2010 in Sparkfly Swamp (collecting 2 Amphibian Tongues per gift):

"Vekk and I may agree on many things, but on one point we strongly differ: The subjugation and/or domestication of lower species for the purpose of doing work that we're all too lazy to do ourselves. Vekk says the Charr would be good candidates, but I think your hairless rodent-friend is vastly underestimating them. On top of their numbers they have indomitable will power that is a struggle to break even with seasoned Mesmers applying their most dubious tricks. I say the Frogmen are better candidates, as their meager tribal intelligences would be easily manipulated by magic of negligible magnitude or even simple physical coercion, but they are smart enough to complete mundane tasks and chores. And there are certainly enough of them around the world to be experimented on. Vekk doesn't agree. As a field study, I invited him to come see the behavior of the Agari frogmen when I present them with the dismembered tongues of a rival tribe. However, it seems that your rodent friends don't take kindly to being proven wrong. Oh well... at least I have plenty of these things to make a couple batches of jerky!"

07 June 2010 in Dreadnought's Drift (collecting 2 Azure Remains per gift):

"I don't really have a serious interest in dabbling in the arcane, but my refusal to do so may be what's stopping me from becoming the greatest diabolical mastermind since Abaddon. For this purpose, I devoted a little time at the Holdings of Chokhin to read up on some of the greater mysteries of the world, among which are the Nightmares.

I've established a temporary agreement with Eve once more, who is already quite adept at all things spiritual and, erm, dead. The Nightmares are a mutual interest, so we will work together for now to uncover their secrets. I would much rather conduct research across many locales where there are various other types of Nightmares, but she seems rather glued to these mountains.

You can help by gathering the essence of these creatures for us, as Eve can't seem to stop herself from stealing whatever samples I manage to find, smashing them and inhaling the dust through her nose... Strangest woman I've ever met."

14 June 2010 in Varajar Fells (collecting 3 Modniir Manes per gift):

"You know, all of the hear-say going around about the conflict in Kryta is putting me in quite a blood thirsty mood. Go and obliterate some life while I stand safely atop a cliff and watch. Whoever kills the most by the time I get bored will receive a limited edition Modniir hair voodoo doll fashioned to the likeness of a nasty person of your choice... and a fabulous set of paint brushes!"

21 June 2010 in Perdition Rock (collecting 1 Mahgo Claw per gift):

"I'm on a top secret mission for Zinn. I'm supposed to be sworn to secrecy, but I trust you enough to let you in on just a tiny bit. After completing work on a previous project, he's been "contracted" by an unnamed member of the Shining Blade once again to start work on a device called a Hair Dryer."

On 28 June 2010, Nicholas was reportedly taking a break, and was nowhere to be found.

5 July 2010 in Panjiang Peninsula (collecting 3 Naga Hides per gift):

"Oh, hello. How are my fine servants doing this week? You'll have to excuse me, I must look like a mess. I had come to Shing Jea this weekend to enjoy the festivities and secretly plot my next assassination of the Emperor. However I wound up getting hooked on this new fad that the students here have thought up, a game they call Black and White. It's quite an intense game and requires sheer brilliance that only a mastermind like myself could possess. I found myself playing into the early morning hours while indulging on some Rice Wine, and before I knew it I was here and now by this cave, talking to you... Have you seen Yakkington?"

12 July 2010 in Haiju Lagoon (collecting 1 Gold Crimson Skull Coin per gift):

"Someone has tipped off the monastery guard that I was putting real wasps into the fire-crackers over the holidays, and now I've got to get out of here fast. They'll know immediately that I'm trying to escape if they see me leave with my ship, I need to stow away on another vessel, preferably a fast one! Fetch me a gold piece so I can negotiate a deal with these Crimson folks!"

19 July 2010 in Jahai Bluffs (collecting 5 Elonian Leather Squares per gift):

"The Emissary and Emmett are internet heroes."

26 July 2010 in Lahtenda Bog (collecting 3 Mandragor Swamproots per gift):

"Once I establish my monopoly over agricultural necessities, I'm sure the locals of the mainland will be glad to give me discounted prices on fine Elonian crops. The Professor and I will eat like princes! And now that you're here, I can get out of this gods-forsaken place, I just HATE mandragors... Now if you'll excuse us, Yakkington and I are going to lead a swarm of undead into Kamadan."

02 August 2010 in Gyala Hatchery (explorable area) (collecting 2 Moon Shells per gift):

"This may or may not be my last message to you for a long while. Recent revelations in my life have turned the tides heavily against me. I have the option of either going under, or taking a gamble and "shooting for the moon", as they would say. I can't reveal much to you about what's going on, but I have faith you will help me once again. I'm going to need lots of Moon Stones!"

09 August 2010 in Silent Surf (collecting 1 Keen Oni Talon per gift):

"Whenever I am lucky enough to get some spare time, I devote it to preparing for my ultimate assassination of the Emperor of Cantha. That's what brings me all the way out here, this week. In order to succeed, an assassin must have the finest tools. I find that the sharpness of a Keen Oni Talon would make for an excellent pair of daggers. So hop to it! Once you find the perfect two claws for me, all that will be left is to figure out how to turn into a shadow..."

16 August 2010 in Morostav Trail (collecting 1 Truffle per gift):

"Feeling down? Just can't get in the mood for blood thirsty slaughter? Here's a tip from the Master of Disaster for my young and aspiring harbingers of doom and despair: Kurzick Black Tea, and some Truffles! Partake of these fine Canthan delicacies, and within the hour you'll feel ready to bash, bruise, burn and behead all kinds of lowly and unwitting life forms! Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, I'm no chemist. Just trust me. And if you're going into market to look for that tea, make sure the packaging says BLACK TEA, and not BLACKENED-ROOT tea... Or you'll likely be spending the night debating philosophical ideas with a couple of pink Moa Birds..."

23 August 2010 in Stingray Strand (collecting 2 Glowing Hearts per gift):

"It's been a while since I've indulged in the fine art of arson. Yakkington in particular gets as giddy as a young Dolyak at the site of a large... bonfire, shall we say? I'm going to wait until nightfall, and then light up the local fishing village and all of their vessels... unfortunately, I'm running low on Glowing Hearts! Could you look for some, or ask around and see if you can borrow a couple? If anyone asks, remember, you're just making a campfire."

30 August 2010 in Nebo Terrace (collecting 2 Hardened Humps per gift):

"Hey you! You're going to do something for me, and you're going to do it now! Yes, now. I need a pillow so I can get a good night's sleep tonight. But not just any pillow. A hard pillow, hard as a rock. Real men (and dolyaks) sleep on hard pillows. Two Hardened Humps should do the trick. Don't bother cleaning the blood off! Now go and fetch those as fast as you can, or I'll slap you silly with my walking stick and feed your pinky-fingers to an Imp!!"

06 September 2010 in Griffon's Mouth (collecting 3 Spiritwood Planks per gift):

*Wandering through the Griffon's Mouth, you meet Yakkington, who is standing next to a Storage Chest and looking quite worried. You can hear a sound coming from the chest...*

"The X̼̀͒uͭ̽̌ͧͬ͋̒n͕̘̻̂ͣ͑͑̈l̪̖͖̥̠̮̟ͧ͗ͥ͗ă͓̣̥̭̖͙̱̅̊̈́i̻͉̝̙͋ͧ̋ ̅̚A̯͓͌̇̍̐̓̚g̥̩̩̫̻̔ͮ͋̌̆̏͒ë̬̩́̋̓n̜̏̀̇c̟̗̝͍ͯy̦̦̖̋ reminds you that the Portable Storage Device w̼̖̤͈͒͒̚i̘l̫̤͚̻͕̓͒ͨ̓ͣ̿l͓̦͖̙̎ͨ͛̚ never threaten to s̟̣̯̳̯͕̰̓̈́ͤ̂͛t̞̝͈̼̳͛͑ͬͪ̉̚a̯̺̻̻̩̒̔ͮ̎b͕̲̣͓̙̹͋̈̂ͤ͒ y͍̲͈̒̅ͣͯ̌͑ö̠̙͙̫̏̆̓ͥ̎̊u̜̭̮͊̒, and in fact, cannot speak. In the event that the Portable Storage Device does speak, the Xunlai Agency urges you to disregard its advice."

On the 13th of September 2010, Nicholas was unable to deliver his message due to a mishap with a cooling fan in the realm of the Paradimensional Computer Tower, in addition to other assorted distractions occurring on paradimensional levels.

20 September 2010 in Eastern Frontier (collecting 3 Fetid Carapacess per gift):

"Hey hey hey! Creepy crawler! Go back from where you came, you're not worth a gold piece!"

27 September 2010 in Skyward Reach (collecting 2 Shriveled Eyes per gift):

"Oh, how nice it is to see you! I am trying to extract some sensitive arcane information regarding Ascension from the local spirit populace. As you can see, I have Eve here to assist me with capture and torture. However I think the heat is starting to make her delirious... More delirious than she previously was, anyway. While I go and find water for her, could you assist us by locating a certain special something that will make this job quite easier? It involves killing stuff, and I know how much you love to kill stuff."

4 October 2010 in Joko's Domain (collecting 2 Inscribed Shards per gift):

"You know, it's a terrible waste to just leave all of those poor corpses behind you as you frolick through the fields, going about your weekly business. Zinn has helped inspire a wonderful idea. Since the corpse exploiting techniques of Necromancy are well known and easily countered by the right individuals, it's time for a new method of puppetteering to be developed. My research led me here, to where inanimate slabs of rock move as if they were alive. I would be interested in knowing just how this feat is managed, but I will need samples of the Inscribed Shards to bring back to Zinn for studying."

11 October 2010 in Forum Highlands (collecting 3 Skree Wings per gift):

"Oh, look who it is! You've been through these lands many times before, haven't you? Then you understand how turbulent the passage is. What? No, I don't need you to clear a path for me, I'm right where I need to be. But I sure would appreciate it if you could go back and murder anything that escaped Yakkington's hooves. Particularly the flying ones!"

18 October 2010 in Dejarin Estate (collecting 3 Kournan Pendants per gift):

"*Nicholas is spending the week in the shadows, spying on the Zaishen in an attempt to collect information on Embark Beach*"

25 October 2010 in The Black Curtain (collecting 2 Shadowy Remnants per gift):

"I am starting a new venture with Eve - in the absence of Zinn who is currently busy with other matters: A weapon development industry! I took the liberty of, well er, borrowing some armor designs from Zinn's laboratory. I have a good feeling that invisible, armored battle-dolyaks will sell well with militias such as the Seraphs, or anyone who is willing to pay the right price."

1 November 2010 in Magus Stones (collecting 2 Weaver Legs per gift):

"I've heard that around these parts, there exist those wondrous creatures whom I told you about a while back; the kind that spit up rare treasures when you slay them. For some adventurers, it's a good way to KILL some time, while other luckier folks have made a KILLING by selling what they found. Get it? Ha ha... Anyway, I thought I would tag along and get a look for myself. They're simply known as Raptors and large numbers of them seem to congregate within a cave nearby. Once our party is done, I intend to destroy all of the eggs, then wait for the supply of regurgitated goods to dwindle before selling the things I stole from the rest of the party at ludicrous prices. And any mastermind of misdoings should know that fire is a wonderful tool for destruction. However, I will need reliable torches! That is, of course, where you come in this week..."

8 November 2010 in Kinya Province (collecting 5 Copper Crimson Skull Coins per gift):

"The Crimson Skull? What kind of name is that? I think we should kill them. Let's go kill them! I mean... You go kill them!"

15 November 2010 in Raisu Palace (collecting 3 Soul Stones per gift):

"Can you hear that? The sound of young children, waking up to find that their Soul Stones are missing. I intend to pay a visit to the Ministry buildings and see how many fancy ornaments and windows I can break before I'm chased out of Cantha. Normal rocks just won't cut it, but Soul Stones will make the vandalism much more... soulless! You can help by fetching me a few more of these pointless trinkets."

22 November 2010 in Watchtower Coast (collecting 3 Mergoyle Skulls per gift):

"I decided to test out Yakkington's new invisible siege armor. It's working quite well! The squashing sound of helpless Mergoyles beneath Dolyak hooves is quite satisfying. The professor and I have decided to decorate our ship with some of their interestingly shaped skulls, but many of them got smashed to pieces. Go and help us find some that are still in tact!"

On 29 November 2010, Nicholas decided to take a vacation.

6 December 2010 in Frozen Forest (collecting 2 Alpine Seeds per gift):

"And if you happen to spot a centaur, or a grawl... or a dwarf... kill it for me, and we'll have a grand ole barbecue!"

13 December 2010 in Mehtani Keys (for 2 Silver Bullion Coins):

"There's a nice Istani family who have been giving me shelter for several days now, but it is about time for me to ship off again! Unfortunately, I feel I must murder them all. You see, I recently apprehended a dozing Sunspear and stole all of his equipment, cutting his throat after I was done. One of the children from this family spotted me, though! If you could somehow get a hold of 2 Silver Bullion Coins, I can pay off one of my Corsair contacts to, erm, take care of the family before they get word to the Sunspears."

On 20 December 2010, Nick had briefly been kidnapped by the Am Fah before being saved by the Professor.

Notes

If you're reading this, you're already dead...
unless you're still alive.